Sleep

I want to sleep. I want to lose consciousness of this mundane, yet painful thing most people call; Life. The two parts of me who constantly struggle to find balance feel different things. The logical side tells me I never had anything to begin with, so I am being stupid in thinking I have actually lost something. The other emotional side wants to hold on to the thing I never actually had. That side has hope that i so frequently kill in order to protect myself. I wanted to let it live, just this once. i thought that maybe, maybe I was entitled to a small amount of happiness. But when I was honest, I found that happiness, was never meant to be.  I've begun to worry if I will always be close to happiness, but never actually get any.  I wanted him. Immensely. Now I see the person he is, and I normally pretty tolerant, but with him, there are some things that I can't deal with. I don't know what I want from him now. He told me to sleep on it. I was going to sleep my entire weekend away. I didn't. Because other people need me. Even though he doesn't. Still............I want to sleep.

Pysical Contact

Touch. The thing that enhances our perception. It also makes us slow to respond at times. It's him again. I know, I know. Really him? Yes. What the hell is wrong with me? I have spent the last 6 mothns downplaying everything. Now, when something does happen, I think that it is no big deal, or that it means very little. Perhaps it does? Or not..... or never. I can't read the signs anymore, because I have been so wrong in the past. It hurts to evern open myself up to the possibility  of happiness with him. My counsin always says; ''Let yourself be happy." I really do want to, I just can't.

Identical Moronics

I guess my problem, well problems, could be summed up in one measly little insignificant word; boys. I also could have doe two different posts about my two problem boys, but it's easier and more gratifying to both them into the same category. I don't quite know how to start, or which one to start with. There is my 17-year-old brother, who is being, quite frankly, a moron. Then there is my 18-year-old friend, the one I'm still stuck on, who is being.......well, also a moron. Lovely, two morons for one girl. To begin with the one I'm related to seems wisest, since I am most miffed at him.

Miles ~ My Brother,

I help him get acquainted with my cousins best friend. They hit it off really well. The only get to hang out when he comes to visit me,since his parents (I guess mine too.) don't want him to date. He invites her whenever we go places, and says he can't get her out of his head. Two weeks ago we all went to a movie, which they sat next to each other at. Then we went for a drive, which the also sat next to each other for. All while cuddling. Then as he walked her to her car, and my cousin and I were sneakily watching them though the front window, they kiss. Sound fairytale perfect? Wait..... Then he doesn't call her for two weeks, not even for her birthday, and stands her up for the dance she asked him to, about a month ago. He finally called her tonight. Only because I let him have it. I told him that, he could not treat girls this way. He got mad. Words and hurtful things were spoken and brought up. He hung up on me. Then he called me back to tell me he had called her. He then hung up on me again. Ugh, Then I hear from other friends, that he is trying to save face to get a different girl. He is lying about the whole thing, and claiming that he was forced into that relationship. Wonderful. He is becoming a player, like our father.

Thomas ~ My Friend,

I can't seem to figure this out. I like him, and then I don't, and then I do again. Now, I do. My friend told me that he asked for ideas on how to ask a girl to prom. I know it won't be me. I mean he has known others for a while longer then me. A small part of me still hopes. I don't hope actually,and can hardly remember what it feels like, but I think this might be hope. Even though I know it won't happen. He has taken to looking at me a lot longer then he normally does. I always read too much into his actions. He means little of what he says. He's a flirt, like myself, but lately, it seem more real. or my wanting it to be more real. All our friends know I like him. I don't care anymore how awkward things get. I like to see him squirm. It gives me a little bit of revenge for my effort wasted on him. I came to the sad realization that nothing will happen before the summer starts, and then I won't see him for two months. That will kill me. But maybe I will get over him. Move on. Find someone who likes me back, and isn't the mirror image of everything I already am.

Basically, they are both emensly daft.

Nicest Thing

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style
I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars
Actually, I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

All I know
Is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
I wish that we could see
If we could be something 

~ Kate Nash

Missed

This is another holiday that I am not with my family. I  hate that I am so happy I'm alone. I used to dread going to church and the grandmothers for dinner afterwards.

Now.........I slightly miss it. Just a little. I wonder if they actually miss my bad attitude as well. My grumbling and complaining. Actually, I know full well they don't miss me. They miss who I used to be. A person who no longer exists. A person who will never again live, only to feel like she is dying every day of her existence. So in a way I am glad to be alone on this day. I guess I must be used to the fights and the hostility. I wish they missed me......

1,2,3,4,5...............6

Day's have slowly gone by. Spring break, yeah, not as cool as I originally thought. I mean waking up at 11 every morning, is great. Not having to take the bus to school, is great. No homework, is indeed great. But missing my friends, and not seeing them, has taken it's toll. One, doesn't have a phone, one has a controlling mother, one is in Italy, one has taken the week off to be with her mind twin, and another, mine, has dropped off the face of the planet. Not that I blame him. At all. I have kind of done the same thing. But in his absence, I realize how much I do actually miss him. I also realize how much, that we will never be, or work. I've leaned this from 6 days apart.

Always Him.

It's always about him isn't it? Every time I try to write something profound, it always comes back to him. I think I am okay with that, but I don't know...well I do. I am fine with talking about him, all the time in fact. I know it bugs my cousin, who is my best friend, but she says she likes it, or that it is her job. I can't help but think that's not the case. I listen to her, but she hasn't had any drama for me to listen to lately. I feel as though he makes me forget my life, and forget her sometime. I hate that part, the part about forgetting her. She is my other half. We share a soul. He is me in a different body. We share a mind. So what do I do? I can't forget him. (Trust me, you have no idea how hard I have tried...) And I would never even want to forget her. She is more important to me, but he........................ugh. I can't even think. I miss him. I haven't seen or talked to him since Thursday. I know, I know, what a long time.....sure. Still, things again have me thinking that here may be a chance for an, "Us". Yet, I don't want to get my hopes up as I did last time, only to have them dashed before me and broken. I don't handle rejection. Especially from him. I can't let my heart get hurt again. It's still recovering from the last time. I've made enough moves for him to see I really like him. Now I over think things, and wait. Always wait.

Believing in Circular Thinking

F my L!!! ARGH!!! Sorry, minor meltdown over here. I can't seem to get the fact that you can;t do anything about someone not liking you. I mean as more then a friend. Well, I don't know for sure, but, really? I am sure that even though his words don't match his actions, there is something there. I guess, I hope there is. Again, I am sorry, that this has turned into a rant about "Him". But now that I am living out from underneath my parents roof, I feel the need to seize every opportunity as it comes. But why I don't know. That is the hardest part. Knowing why you choose to be a certain way, is never an easy thing to do. I want to believe that sometimes I am a certain way because I choose to be, but most times I wonder if it;s my environment, or my friends wearing off on me. Is any thing I do and feel actually my own, or is it a result of all the things that happen to me? I guess it could be both..........or neither. I have just talked myself in circles. I usually do that.

Who

I have not been......me. Listening to others, is great. There are times however when you need to do what you think is right. That's what I am trying to do. It involves hugs and apologies. I don't know though...... will it work is the question? Will he find the fact that drama is somehow magnetically attracted to me? I just want the tension to be gone, and for things to somehow, go back to the way they once were.

Perhaps you can help.......

A few weeks ago, I had a severe case "Composers Block". I couldn't for the life of me, get past it. I thought it might be fear, or stress, or that I had nothing lest to play. i began to ask my fellow musicians and composers, how they, if they had, managed to conquer it. The one I asked, the one I used to think I was in love with, once upon a time, gave me this answer, at the end of our conversation.

~ Antigone: Have you ever had composers block?

~ Jacob: nope. sorry to say i have not.

~ Antigone: Oh great, a composer who has never lacked inspiration. Admirable =]

~ Jacob: what do you mean? haha. sorry Antigone I'm lost. What is composer block?

~ Antigone: Really? It's just when you can't write anything good. I can improv for hours, I just can't compose anything. I thought you might have some suggestions. Sorry for the confusion. =]

~ Jacob; oh haha. well. if you wanna compose, then you really should do your best to hand write your stuff. it's a long process and super frustrating, but trust me, it helps so much.

~ Antigone: No, I do write and compose all the time. What i mean is I cant write anything good. I get typical chord progressions, an d tacky melody's. What I'm trying to say I guess, is that I seem to be stuck. i do write my stuff down and I know it does take a long time. i only wish I had something to write down.

~ Jacob: oh ha. gotcha. well then. Here's the thing, people will not always admit this, especially music teachers because they want you to expand their knowledge (and that's good), but the most important thing about music to everyone is that it's esthetically pleasing. We want it to sound good. we want it to be beautiful. But music is suppose to reflect what words and actions cannot. therefore, does music have to sound beautiful to be beautiful? i don't think so. Ultimately it comes down to "why" you're writing music and what for: a play, a film, for voice and piano, just because.....you know, all those reasons. Then you have to decide what is "true" about what you're writing and what does this "sound" like. Does life always reflect the I IV, V, I progression (that's the chord progression that dominates western music)? No. So maybe try to think outside the box. I always love to write beautiful things and i love my music to be esthetically pleasing. but sometimes music is more than that. Don't necessarily write something A-tonal or something like that. just experiment with different sounds what you see in "reality" because ultimately, that is what music expresses.

.....a little deep, but keep in mind (and i know it's hard) that there are no new chord progressions, just different ways of presenting them.



What could I say to this? I sat at my computer for what seemed like a century. Still not knowing what to say. His word were beauty, and they were music, and they were meant for me. For my problem. Did I just thank him, or try to be as deep and understanding as he had just shown himself to be? I the end I left it alone. i said nothing. I broke my composers block.

Coeur

La femme fut créée
d'une côte de l'homme.
Pas de sa tête pour
être au-dessus de lui,
Ni de ses pieds
pour être piétiné,
Mais d'une de ces côtes
pour être son égal,
Sous son bras
pour être protégé,
Et près de son coeur
pour être aimé.

It means;

The woman was created
Of the rib of a man.
Not of his head to
be above him,
Nor of his feet
to be trampled,
But of his ribs
To be his equal,
Under his arms
To be protected,
And near his heart,
To be loved.

Patheticly Hopeless

I'm ashamed for my sad, and melancholy tone. I am sorry, for being a pathetic person. I am quick to recover from emotional blows. Yet, I think on the "What might have been" and that hold me back from completely forgetting. I've been told that that kind of painful, and hopeful wondering is a kind of closure. It hurts. I fell like I have been forgotten. I know I really haven't, and I have my friends who adore me. I just miss he emotional high that I used to get every time I saw, or talked to him. I hate this!!! *sigh of indignation* I hate being so dependent on someone to make me happy. Why can't I just make myself happy? Well..........there are ways, but really. So I spend my weeks in an unresponsive trace. my friends ask me if I am okay, but I can't say I am. I'm just to much of a thinker. I know that I never wan to be forgotten, and it feels as if I have.

Ignorance

So everything is over, and my heart hurts. I had hoped it would go somewhere, but after to many mind games, I'm done. With the thought of "Us" but not, with my feelings for him. Every time I see him, I feel angry for what he has done, yet I look at him and still see all the things I like about him. I can't help my heart, it has always done what it wants to. This time, for one, I wish that I would be still and listen to reason. Alas, it is never so.

I Feel

I don't know any longer. I have spent so much time and energy figuring him out. The incredible thing is, we are the same person. We have so, and yet so little in common. I can read him thou, I think he knows that. He's one to never show his real feeling, and I can understand that. He's been hurt before, and is cynical. I wish he would be as honest as he says he is. I know that is a lot to ask of someone. Still, I guess because I'm a blatantly honest person, I expect others to be the same. He's not obviously. I wish.....I could kiss him. I have so many opportunities to, but I can never bring myself to do it. See, we are friends, and I don't want to make things even weirder. Se we already have a strange relationship. I found out he liked me a while ago. So I, thought; "How cute!", then later and when I had spent more time with him, I began to think; "Oh, he's cute!" I began to fall for him, and because I'm a honest and obnoxious person, I told him I liked him. However, I told him after he told me he liked me as a "friend" and nothing more. My friends think otherwise. They think, and know he's lying. So now every time we're together, I wonder when he looks at me or we have cute little awkward moments, if he feels what I do. Yet I feel so much, I don't know if a guy actually has the capability to feel what I do. Maybe, there is one out there. I just wish I knew it was him.