Believing in Circular Thinking

F my L!!! ARGH!!! Sorry, minor meltdown over here. I can't seem to get the fact that you can;t do anything about someone not liking you. I mean as more then a friend. Well, I don't know for sure, but, really? I am sure that even though his words don't match his actions, there is something there. I guess, I hope there is. Again, I am sorry, that this has turned into a rant about "Him". But now that I am living out from underneath my parents roof, I feel the need to seize every opportunity as it comes. But why I don't know. That is the hardest part. Knowing why you choose to be a certain way, is never an easy thing to do. I want to believe that sometimes I am a certain way because I choose to be, but most times I wonder if it;s my environment, or my friends wearing off on me. Is any thing I do and feel actually my own, or is it a result of all the things that happen to me? I guess it could be both..........or neither. I have just talked myself in circles. I usually do that.

Who

I have not been......me. Listening to others, is great. There are times however when you need to do what you think is right. That's what I am trying to do. It involves hugs and apologies. I don't know though...... will it work is the question? Will he find the fact that drama is somehow magnetically attracted to me? I just want the tension to be gone, and for things to somehow, go back to the way they once were.

Perhaps you can help.......

A few weeks ago, I had a severe case "Composers Block". I couldn't for the life of me, get past it. I thought it might be fear, or stress, or that I had nothing lest to play. i began to ask my fellow musicians and composers, how they, if they had, managed to conquer it. The one I asked, the one I used to think I was in love with, once upon a time, gave me this answer, at the end of our conversation.

~ Antigone: Have you ever had composers block?

~ Jacob: nope. sorry to say i have not.

~ Antigone: Oh great, a composer who has never lacked inspiration. Admirable =]

~ Jacob: what do you mean? haha. sorry Antigone I'm lost. What is composer block?

~ Antigone: Really? It's just when you can't write anything good. I can improv for hours, I just can't compose anything. I thought you might have some suggestions. Sorry for the confusion. =]

~ Jacob; oh haha. well. if you wanna compose, then you really should do your best to hand write your stuff. it's a long process and super frustrating, but trust me, it helps so much.

~ Antigone: No, I do write and compose all the time. What i mean is I cant write anything good. I get typical chord progressions, an d tacky melody's. What I'm trying to say I guess, is that I seem to be stuck. i do write my stuff down and I know it does take a long time. i only wish I had something to write down.

~ Jacob: oh ha. gotcha. well then. Here's the thing, people will not always admit this, especially music teachers because they want you to expand their knowledge (and that's good), but the most important thing about music to everyone is that it's esthetically pleasing. We want it to sound good. we want it to be beautiful. But music is suppose to reflect what words and actions cannot. therefore, does music have to sound beautiful to be beautiful? i don't think so. Ultimately it comes down to "why" you're writing music and what for: a play, a film, for voice and piano, just because.....you know, all those reasons. Then you have to decide what is "true" about what you're writing and what does this "sound" like. Does life always reflect the I IV, V, I progression (that's the chord progression that dominates western music)? No. So maybe try to think outside the box. I always love to write beautiful things and i love my music to be esthetically pleasing. but sometimes music is more than that. Don't necessarily write something A-tonal or something like that. just experiment with different sounds what you see in "reality" because ultimately, that is what music expresses.

.....a little deep, but keep in mind (and i know it's hard) that there are no new chord progressions, just different ways of presenting them.



What could I say to this? I sat at my computer for what seemed like a century. Still not knowing what to say. His word were beauty, and they were music, and they were meant for me. For my problem. Did I just thank him, or try to be as deep and understanding as he had just shown himself to be? I the end I left it alone. i said nothing. I broke my composers block.

Coeur

La femme fut créée
d'une côte de l'homme.
Pas de sa tête pour
être au-dessus de lui,
Ni de ses pieds
pour être piétiné,
Mais d'une de ces côtes
pour être son égal,
Sous son bras
pour être protégé,
Et près de son coeur
pour être aimé.

It means;

The woman was created
Of the rib of a man.
Not of his head to
be above him,
Nor of his feet
to be trampled,
But of his ribs
To be his equal,
Under his arms
To be protected,
And near his heart,
To be loved.

Patheticly Hopeless

I'm ashamed for my sad, and melancholy tone. I am sorry, for being a pathetic person. I am quick to recover from emotional blows. Yet, I think on the "What might have been" and that hold me back from completely forgetting. I've been told that that kind of painful, and hopeful wondering is a kind of closure. It hurts. I fell like I have been forgotten. I know I really haven't, and I have my friends who adore me. I just miss he emotional high that I used to get every time I saw, or talked to him. I hate this!!! *sigh of indignation* I hate being so dependent on someone to make me happy. Why can't I just make myself happy? Well..........there are ways, but really. So I spend my weeks in an unresponsive trace. my friends ask me if I am okay, but I can't say I am. I'm just to much of a thinker. I know that I never wan to be forgotten, and it feels as if I have.

Ignorance

So everything is over, and my heart hurts. I had hoped it would go somewhere, but after to many mind games, I'm done. With the thought of "Us" but not, with my feelings for him. Every time I see him, I feel angry for what he has done, yet I look at him and still see all the things I like about him. I can't help my heart, it has always done what it wants to. This time, for one, I wish that I would be still and listen to reason. Alas, it is never so.