Hmm....

I don't know anymore. I miss being liked. I hope I still am.

Explosion

It seems as though everything happens when I'm not ready. Yes "concept of the century", I know. My parents have surprised me. They usually, once they make up their minds, never back down. Except for tonight. The still think there is better things waiting for me. That I can do so much better. Yet finally, after years fo teaching, they have decided to let me make my own mistakes. They want to be a part of my life, and I want them in it. I just need the freedom to be me, and make the mistakes I need to. They have finally given me the freedom to chose. My mother quietly asked me to let them know when I had amd my decision, and now I gladly will.

Consumed

The funny thing is I feel, normal. Strange way to start an explanation, but still. I never feel normal. Maybe it’s the fact that Christmas break is starting. Then again, it could be things have changed. I like change, or so I used to tell myself. I am naturally brave, and yet thins time, my bravery is threatening to bail on me. It has in the past so often. Now when it seems like could be content with if failing, I want to succeed. I know I haven’t even begun to clarify, my problem. I can’t. I wish I could, however it’s state is still to fragile. I apologize for my randomness, I am slightly overwhelmed. It’s been a while since my thoughts were consumed with someone other than myself.

Finally

This is the last week of class. However finals have tarnished the glory of this last week. I don’t understand why there are malicious things called final. If we are to be tested every few weeks, then we should know the material. Sadly most teachers don’t think the way I do. They are not enlightened to the fact that finals shorten your life span. Well, perhaps they are, but chose to inflict stress upon their faithful students. I am supposed to be studying during my Computer Science class, but complaining seems like a much better idea. Ahhh, my evil twin entered the class room a moment ago. She was here to rescue me, alas I cannot fly away with her unless I invent some lie of some kind to get out of this meaningless, “Quiet Study Hour”. What shall it be? What story do I concoct for my professor?

a) My friend just got in a car accident and I have to go pick her up because her car is totaled. (That is kind of true, but it happened last month.)

b) My boyfriend’s mom called to tell me he fell and is in the hospital. (I don’t have a boyfriend, so I may need to change this one…)

c) I have to go pick up a long lost relative from the airport. (I would have to invent a long lost relative though.)

Or, I could just get up and leave.

That may not be wise though, as my teacher is looking at me frequently while I write this. I wonder if she knows what I’m about to do? I believe she must hear all kinds of stories this time of the quarter. I must make mine believable. But I don’t know which one to choose. Help?

I Want To Fly

You know those dreams where you can fly. Where you feel weightless, and you heart has no pain. I want that to be reality. Childish of me to dream such, I know, yet I still dream. Really, I had a dream like that last night. I was on the roof of an extremely tall building, and I looked down. As I was looking I jumped and began to fall. I was not afraid but exhilarated. I felt light and soon began soring into the clouds. I don't know how your brain can form such incredible images, but i saw the whole city spread out before me, the lights like tiny jewels. I never wanted my feet to touch the ground again, I could have stayed in the night sky forever. The music from my alarm clock, smashed my happy dream into a thousand tiny pieces, and I began the day with only a flicker of hope that I would ever fly again.

Lonely

In this world we are blessed with friends who make us laugh and hold us when we cry. They terrorize our parents, and get us into trouble. We defend them to the ends of the earth, because they have seen our hearts. But at night when we are alone, there is no amount of friendship that eases the loneliness of the night. What is there to do but wallow in that loneliness. For we have no way of knowing how to stop it, let alone get out of it. I wonder if a "significant other" takes away that loneliness. Are they the ones to make it stop, or are they just an illusion of a felling that never disappears? I do not know. There is just that felling when the sun sets.

Uncle?

Dysfunction runs so deep in my family, it is impossible to get away from. Or so I thought until I met up with my uncle again. He's the kind of person who laughs at lite and it's problems, and gives you the sense that knows some kind of short-cut. I have only seen him about six times in my entire life, and each time it's awkward because I don't know him. This time however was different. I asked him how he had mannaged to stay away from his family so long. I got the advice to move away and only come back when you fell like it. Don;t listen to the guli trips, and get a job that you love and can't be away from. I told him my familily would twis my arm until I came home. He had nothing to say but repeat his advice. I wish I could pull off his attitude at the world and his family, but for some reason, I cannot. My family is notorus for gulit trips and begging and pleading and.... you can guess waht else. When the play this game with me, I am the first to avaiod the pain and yell "Uncle".